Saturday, February 22, 2014


A local woman crawled into bed last night, defeated and exhausted by nothing more than the thousand small indignities faced by any human being on the planet on any given day, when she was suddenly struck by the horrifying realization that she was going to have to get out do bed and do all of those shit again tomorrow. All of it.
The local woman closed her eyes, momentarily overwhelmed by the prospect of facing a task as simples as putting on a pair of shoes or feeding herself breakfast or listening to another human being just exist even one more goddamn time, much less the thought of doing it in and out, day after day, until she died.
"God," she thought to herself, "and then I have to do the dishes, too," and the prospect of a lifetime of dish- even taken one day or even one meal at a time- was like the threat of murder to her heart. How could something  as relatively simple as scrubbing soap over a handful of plates and cups and forks feel so spiritually defeating?
"They'll be just keep coming, the dishes," she realized. "There will always be a dish to wash, every day of my life. And even if I don't  wash them that day, they'll still be there. The house will dirty, and then I'll have to clean it. It will rain, and I'll have to open the window, and I'm worried I'm sitting too much and that I'm alienated from nature in a profound and meaningful way but there's nothing I can actually do that because what am I going to, move to... to ancient Carthaginian and become a farmer?"
"This isn't an actual problem," this woman tried to tell herself. "The fact that I have to... do things to exist, that isn't an actual problem."
"Which, oh God," she realized , "means there's no actual solution."
As of press time, the woman was seized with the unshakable realization that no matter when she fell asleep tonight, she'd still have to coax her stupid brain into shutting off and relaxing long enough to fall asleep again tomorrow?"

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Ugh: 2013 Update

After giving it absolutely no thought, I came up with a New Year's Resolution. One that finally doesn't have anything to do with dieting, exercising everyday, reading more, watching TV less, blah blah blah. Yes, these are all things I want to do but they're all so recycled. Maybe the one I came up with is just as hackneyed but it's the most relevant thing to me right now.

NY Resolution: Become a tourist in my own city.

I realized something while dating my most recent ex-boyfriend. We would be planning something to do  for the day and he would say "Oh, have you been here? Have you done this?" and overwhelmingly often my answer was "No." This was, for lack of a better word, quite annoying. Mostly because he was  absolutely pretentious but also because I realized that I'd been living in the Twin Cities for cumulatively close to a year and still hadn't done, well, seemingly anything. Upon moving to Minneapolis from St. Paul I've been much more adventurous. It's okay to count finding my new favorite Target close to me as adventurous, right? Kidding (mostly). Really though, as I write this I am at a coffee shop down the road from my apartment that is my new absolute favorite even though this is my second time here. It's bright and sunny, everything is hobo chic, the coffee and food is organic AND there's French Jazz playing in the background. This is my JAM. (Is that still a saying?)
Anyways, I think I'll start a list somewhere... a list of all the things I'd like to see and do in Minneapolis and then cross them off. When I was in Italy, all the great "must see" places were marked on my Rick Steves map. Of course, we'd find little treasures along the way but Rick was a big help. I wonder if Rick has a map of Minneapolis?
I think I'll start here.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Gossip Girl

Isn’t it weird when you get to know enough about someone that you could blackmail them for life? To me, this is how you define a successful relationship: you’ve been together long enough where you know every weird thing about the other person and could ruin them but you don’t.

Are you tempted to gossip after a break-up? About what he or she really liked? And odd things they did? Perhaps your ex gets 4 orders of Chinese and eats it in one sitting every Saturday or cries when he sings his Alma mater's anthem. It’s just a guess. If you have respect for that person then you never tell the really intimate stuff. And I never do. Tempting as it is. Because I am actually not a terrible person. Despite everything you may believe or may have heard, I care about people and I like to help my friends and certain episodes of “Full House” make me cry.
And as much as I talk about my dating and relationship experiences, I would never reveal the private stuff. You know, sex. Dad and mom, if you’re still reading my blog these are the sort of explosions you’re going to run into. Prepare for shrapnel. Close the Internet.
Even now, as I drink cheap scotch out of a mason jar, I’m still not going to reveal what went on in my most meaningful relationships. That is sacred.
But, yes, gentlemen: we do talk about you. Good things, bad things, and above all, weird things. If you try to get your girlfriend to wear your high school Letterman jacket when you have sex, we’re going to hear about it. It’s just a great story. 
Gentlemen, do you talk about us in that way? From what I gather the discussion is basically thus:
Chap #1: I spent an evening with Lady Haas.
Chap #2: Lady Haas, you say? Peradventure, dear chap, was she a gentle conquest?
Chap #1: Good sir. That would be uncouth of me to say. But I will say this: boobs.
Chap #2: Boobs! Splendid!
Chap #1: Indeed! Let us toast this occasion with a golden ale, tall as a mountain and twice as strong!
Chap #2: And to Teddy Roosevelt!
Chap #1: Surely. To Teddy Roosevelt. And boobies!
Chap #2: Boobies!

Am I close?

Monday, December 31, 2012

Ugh. 2013.

Oh, hey guys.
 I've been sitting in this coffee shop for a bit after my roommate dragged me off the couch after I said something to the extent of "Ugh, the new year. So much pressure." This is generally how I feel lately (every sentence starts with "Ugh" and I lay on the couch a lot.) In another tab, I have a very dark entry that makes me sound like I'm going to slit my wrists at the next sound of someone saying "Life is perfect!" In the past, I've written about what I've done in the last year, my big plans for the coming year, NYE plans, and resolutions to finally become the greatest me.
Well, I'm not going there. Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Today I'm basking in the fact that today is another day and tomorrow will be, too. One step at a time, kids.
That's all for now. Tah-tah for now and cheers to the New Year.
(And yeah, my hair always looks like this.)

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Life Advice

Here are bits of advice from me, someone who has no idea what they're doing with their life, from the billion years I have been on Earth now.
  •  If you’re not sure what to do in any situation, go with what would make a good story.
  •  Don't downplay feelings but always figure out where they're coming from.
  • "Ask. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no." – Dr. Tornabene, one of my college profs
  •  Watch Seinfeld.
  •  You can be jealous of someone or you can be happy for someone. One of these makes you a dickhead.
  •  Help your friends. (...but don’t loan them money and expect to get it back.)
  • Don’t smoke. It totally looks cool but you’ll pay for it later.
  • Don't go out with people you're not interested in.
  • The more "No's" you get the better your success story will be.
  • Use every piece of your life to figure yourself out. Find the lessons in everything.
  •  ... And lastly, the very best life advice I have ever heard... 

Married Friends

First of all, you should know that like twelve people I went to high school and college with got married this weekend. They're all happy and in love and blah blah blah- CONGRATS YOU GUYS.
The other day, my friend was complaining about not having met her husband yet, and our other friend who is just sooooo happily married said, “It always works out the way it’s supposed to.” And my lonely friend was like, “Yeah, everyone always says that when it’s already worked out for them!” She’s right. You get amnesia about what it was like struggling to find someone who compliments you the way you are hoping, once you have found it. It’s like childbirth. You have to forget the pain or else you would never do it again.
As soon as you get a chance to switch teams and be with the ones who have found their soulmate, you do it. You literally go from being one of the girls who’s complaining about there not being any good guys in your city to being the girl who looks at her friends with pity and says things like, “Hang in there, babe.” It’s just the way we’re built, I guess. You’re so appreciative to have your fellow loser friends who have agreed to go in halfsies on a house with you if you never find love, and then the minute a guy with a job and a good relationship with his mom takes your hand, you’re like, “Later, bitches!” Clearly, you are a bad person.
Then, when the dust has settled on your perfect little wedding and you can form a sentence that isn’t about yourself, you start pitching potential husbands to your friends out of the pool of guys you know. But your perspective is off now, and you’re recommending dudes that you would never have gone out with when you were single. You’re even pitching guys that you turned down when you were single. Isn’t it amazing when girls do that? Like, “You should go out with Brad! Oh, brutal, I would never date him, but you totally should." No thanks, honey – I’m single, not desperate. And that’s the distinction I think we really need to nail down right now. Don’t be confused into thinking that because you’re single, you have to be with the first guy who isn’t afraid to get married. Eff that.
Girls always talk about being open to anyone, blah blah blah, but I don’t believe in that. I’ve said it before – I’ve never gained anything by sitting at dinner for two hours with someone I’m not compatible with. I’d get so much more out of spending those two hours looking on a website that highlights the celebrities who have the most cellulite or watching episodes of Friends four times or putting a Biore strip on my nose. Sure, there are people who you may think you won’t like before you end up falling in love with them. But I’m gonna be honest with you, it’s never happened to me. How many times can I retell the story of how once I thought a murderer was in my house for 3 days or how I used to have a lip ring?! It’s such a waste of everyone’s time.
Do I think everything works out the way it’s supposed to? Yeah, I do, but I think that’s because we just work with what life gives us. Not because life is fair and everyone has a soulmate wandering around the world waiting to accidentally run into you. Some people have that moment when they lock eyes and know they found their person; others have to constantly work at it with someone. But finding love is only one piece of the puzzle. It’s a part of who you are, but not the entirety of who you are. And the more focus you put on it, means the less you are focusing on the rest of your life. I believe that the more energy you put into the work you love, the friends who make you happy, the family that supports you, the adventures that entice you… the better it will be when you find someone to share it all with.
I just got deep! Also, everyone who is happily married is dead to me.

Monday, December 17, 2012

All My Single Ladies: Don'ts (Part II)

This is the second installment of "Dating Don'ts" (Check out the first post, here.)

  • Don't wear your sparkly cat shirt. It doesn't matter that it's a beautiful rendition of your late cat. 
  • Don't mention how "punny" people think you are. Also don't mention your affinity for alliteration or word plays in general.
  • Don't mention your multiple fake food allergies or that in 10th grade you ate nothing but Starbursts.
  • Don't talk about how ALL your friends are engaged or married.
  • Don't tell him that ALL of your friends are so excited to meet him.
  • Don't replace the word "life" with "wife" to subliminally manipulate him.
  • Don't repeatedly ask who characters are while watching a movie or what is even the plot of this anyways?
  • Don't mention that he's definitely cuter than the guy you met on earlier this week.
  • Don't rap "Colt 45" or "Pussy Control" even though you're BOSS at it.
Even though all of these are things he might find out or things you might do down the road in your relationship- maybe wait until you guys are Facebook official and he'll be too embarrassed to end it for a while.